The "What-If" Spiral: How to Stop Anxiety from Running Your Life
My son, who is six as I write this, often plays the "What-If" game when he's worried about something. What if my friends don’t want to play with me? What if I fall and get hurt? What if you’re not able to pick me up? What if my Legos break when they’re back in the box?
To me, his worries seem small. I know they’re big for him, but from my perspective, they feel manageable. Wait until you're an adult, kid, I think. Because then, the “What-If” game turns into something much heavier.
What if I lose my job? What if we can’t make rent? What if we can’t afford to feed the kids? What if we’re messing the kids up? What if we all die in a horrible car crash?
We convince ourselves that our adult worries are more valid, that our spirals are somehow productive—like if we just worry enough and plan enough, then nothing bad will happen. But something is happening. We’re missing the moment. We’re burning ourselves out. We’re letting anxiety run the show.
There’s no solving the “What-If” game. No amount of planning can prepare us for every possible scenario. Of course, it’s good to be practical and plan for the future, but life is uncertain. And that has to be okay.
So, how do we balance being planful and practical without letting anxiety take over? And what’s actually more important than playing out the “What-If”s? Because no matter how many scenarios you run through, it’s not about the situation or the outcome—it’s about your ability to manage discomfort.:
Are You Trying to Control the Uncontrollable?
It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working, but it’s only perpetuating the frustration you feel If you find yourself in a spiral of “What-If”s, pause and ask: What’s the purpose of this?
Are you trying to take control of the uncontrollable? Are you letting anxiety dictate your thoughts and decisions? Worrying is normal—you’re allowed to worry. But what are you doing with that worry? How is it impacting your life?
Not all worry is created equal. Some concerns are practical and require problem-solving, but others are purely fueled by fear. And when fear takes the wheel, we end up driving ourselves in circles.
Your Brain is Wired for Safety, But Sometimes It Overdoes It
Your brain has two primary jobs:
Keep you safe.
Make life easier.
It wants the world to make sense. It tries to eliminate unknowns because unknowns could be dangerous. And while this wiring has helped humans survive, sometimes it goes into overdrive. As my dad always says, too much of a good thing is a bad thing.
At first, planning and preparation can be helpful. But when it crosses into hypervigilance, it becomes exhausting and unproductive.
So how do you know when anxiety is in the driver’s seat?
What does anxiety feel like in your body?
How does your mind work when you're in an anxious state?
Have you ever stopped to notice?
A lot of people accept anxiety as part of their identity. I’m just an anxious person. But you are not your anxiety. You have anxiety, and anxiety likes to take your “What-If”s and run with them.
And here’s the sneaky part: You may rationalize that worrying is helpful. After all, it feels like you're preparing, preventing disaster, staying ahead of the unknowns. But in reality, you’re just fueling fear.
You might even worry about what would happen if you didn’t worry. Because then… life could be unexpected. You could be blindsided.
But the “What-If”s aren’t the real problem. The real problem is your ability to cope with uncertainty. And that’s where the work is.
How to Get Out of the “What-If” Spiral
The solution isn’t eliminating uncertainty—it’s learning how to sit with it.
You don’t have to fix uncertainty. You just need to learn how to experience it without reacting to it.
Reactivity is automatic—it’s knee-jerk. It’s the racing thoughts, the sleepless nights, the constant need for reassurance. Responding, on the other hand, is intentional. It’s regaining control and choosing an effective course of action.
I hear a lot about the phrase “process your feelings.” But what does that actually mean? It sounds fluffy and vague. I prefer to think about it as experiencing your emotions—sitting with them, surrendering to them without trying to fight or fix them.
That means:
Giving yourself permission to feel what you feel.
Changing your relationship with fear, worry, and uncertainty.
Recognizing that discomfort isn’t a sign that something is wrong—it’s just a signal to be present.
Asking, How can I support myself while feeling this? instead of How do I stop feeling this?
Your perception that worry must be avoided at all costs is costing you. Instead of trying to escape anxiety, try meeting it with curiosity and compassion.
A Practical Checklist for Escaping the "What-If" Loop
If you’re someone who likes checklists (like me), here’s something you can use:
✅ Notice the “What-If” loop. Recognize when you’re playing out worst-case scenarios in your mind.
✅ Label it. Call out the fact that you’re in a spiral. No judgment—just awareness.
✅ Validate your feelings. Even if your worry seems irrational or small, it’s okay to feel it.
✅ Remind yourself that you don’t need a solution right now. Discomfort passes. You don’t have to do anything about it.
My son still plays the “What-If” game. And instead of dismissing his fears, I help him accept that he’s allowed to worry—but that doesn’t mean he has to let those worries take over.
You don’t have to get rid of “What-If”s. They’re part of life. But you can choose what you do with them.
You can let them control you—keeping you stuck, exhausted, and missing the present—or you can practice sitting with them. You can remind yourself that discomfort isn’t forever. And you can learn to respond instead of react.
It takes practice, but you can do it.
This is exactly what I help my clients with—learning to manage anxiety so it no longer controls their life. If you’re caught in the “What-If” loop and don’t know how to break free, let’s work together. Apply to the Balanced and Confident Program today and start living with more ease and presence.
Final Thoughts
Life is uncertain. The more we fight that reality, the more exhausted we become. But when we accept uncertainty—not as something to fear, but as something to navigate—we regain our power.
So the next time you catch yourself in the “What-If” spiral, take a deep breath. You don’t have to solve it. You just have to be here.
And that? That’s enough.
