3 Strategies That Will Help You Share the Mental Load and Responsibility of Running Your Home
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s hard to feel the romance when you’re exhausted and resentful. You’re running on fumes because your husband isn’t picking up the slack for all that needs to get done around the house and with the kids. It can really feel like if you’re not doing it, things just don’t get done. You’ve tried asking for help, but it seems like your pleas have fallen on deaf ears.
This isn’t to shame your spouse, he’s a good man in so many ways, but it’s clear there’s an issue. Actually, this is a conversation I’ve had a lot lately with my mom clients. Many of us enter parenthood with the expectation that responsibilities will be shared equally, we somehow feel we’re above the traditional gender roles of previous generations. Maybe you even had conversations about dividing up tasks before the baby came. Once the baby arrived, you found yourself shouldering the brunt of the mental and physical load - planning meals, grocery shopping, scheduling appointments, buying gifts, planning vacations, cleaning - while your husband’s contributions have felt bare minimum at best.
There’s fear in approaching conversation. As weird as it may seem you feel unjustified in being angry. Maybe this is what it’s supposed to be like. He is a good man after all; a good husband and dad, what more could you really want?
The result? Frustration, resentment, a feeling of disconnect that literally seeps into every aspect of your relationship. It’s about more than the dishes and feeding the dog. It’s the feeling of a lack of respect and value. You might find yourself questioning your marriage. You might even notice preferring when he’s gone because at least then you’re not disappointed when the ball gets dropped. Ouch! I that doesn’t cause the guilt to settle in. And if we’re really being honest, it’s hard to feel even the tiniest spark of romance when you’re this burned out.
As impossible as it can feel, you’re not resigned to this way of being forever. It’s possible to rebalance the load and rebuild your sense of connection with your husband. Here are the strategies I recommend to help you share the load more effectively:
Focus on What’s Working and Reinforce It
It’s easy to focus on what isn’t working, but it’s only perpetuating the frustration you feel and negativity. Instead, shift your attention to what your partner does well. Gratitude is incredibly powerful, positive reinforcement (praising and calling out the good) can work wonders. Here’s how:
Acknowledge the Good: Take note of the tasks your partner does - no matter how small and seemingly insignificant-express genuine gratitude. For example, “Thanks so much for taking care of bath time tonight, it gave me a much-needed break.
Be specific: Instead of a vague “thank you,” call out the exact action and the impact. For example, “When you took care of the dishes after dinner it helps me feel less stressed about the evening routine.”
Make it Reciprocal: Let your partner know what makes you feel supported and appreciated. For instance, “When you tell me thank you it makes me feel seen.”
2. Have Honest, Clear Conversations-Even When It Feels Hard
Many moms think they’ve communicated their needs, but what’s clear to you isn’t always clear to someone else. You see the world differently because you have different lived experiences. Miscommunication or unspoken assumptions often lead to unmet expectations. To create change you need to:
Be Direct: Instead of hinting or assuming your partner knows what you need, be explicit. For example, “I’d like you to take over packing lunches for the kids in the morning. Can we make that your responsibility?”
Check for Understanding: After expressing your needs, ask your partner to share what they heard. This ensures that you all are on the same page. For example, “Just to make sure we’re on the same page, what did you understand from what I said?”
Frame it Collaboratively: Approach the conversation as a team effort. You could say something like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, and I know we both want our home to run smoothly. How can we work together to make that happen?”
Know That It Might Look Different: Even if you’ve been clear about what you asked, your husband might do it differently than you would do it. Decide that done is better than perfect. For instance, while you might get the kid’s teeth brushed before getting them dressed, he might wait and do it last.
Create Space for Feedback: Allow your partner to share his perspective or concerns. They may feel unsure of how to help or afraid to do something wrong. Addressing his fears can open the door for lasting change.
3. Create Systems for Shared Responsibility
Relying on memory or verbal agreements often leads to tasks falling through the cracks. Instead, create tangible systems to ensure responsibilities are clearly laid out and manageable for you both. Here’s how:
Make a Master List: Sit down together and come up with a list of all the tasks involved in running the home - paying bills, grocery shopping, meal planning, and prep. Divide the tasks based on preferences, availability, and strengths. Post the list in a visible space so everyone knows who is responsible for what and how you can help each other. This might change from week to week.
Set Clear Expectations: Discuss how and when each task will be completed.
Have Regular Check-Ins: Schedule weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly check-ins to assess how things are going and upcoming scheduling changes that may prompt adjustments. Use the time to celebrate wins and make needed adjustments, maybe order-in food or share a few drinks - make it fun and a time for connection. You’re a team.
Use Tools and Technology: Shared calendars, task management apps, or a white board can help to keep everyone on track.
Bonus Tips for Strengthening Your Partnership
Rebalancing the mental load isn’t just about the logistics; it’s also about fostering connection and mutual respect. Here are some additional ideas to strengthen your relationship and rekindle the connection:
Celebrate Success: When a new system or approach works, acknowledge it together. Celebrate your teamwork with a special date or activity you both enjoy. Don’t forget to take time to reflect on how far you come instead of getting hung up on how far you still ahve to go.
Show Appreciation Regularly: Gratitude goes both ways. Make it a habit to thank each other, even for the small stuff.
Invest in Your Relationship: Make time for connection beyond housework and parenting. Time for you to have fun, know each other on a deeper level, share in hobbies.
You Deserve to Feel Supported
It’s easy to feel stuck when you’re carrying the bulk of the mental load but remember: Change may be slow, but it’s possible. Focus on what’s working, have clear and honest conversations, and create systems of shared responsibility, and you will build a more balanced partnership. Not only will this help lighten your load, but it’ll also strengthen your relationship and create a healthier, happier home for you and your family.
Ready to go deeper with more personalized support, I’m here to help. Together, we can create the clarity and strategies that will help you feel lighter, more at ease, and truly supported. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult and learn more about how we can work together.
