Thriving Parents, Thriving Kids: Prioritizing Your Well-Being
Several months ago we went through a stint where my son was struggling. He was acting so out of character; tearfulness, back talk, high amounts of fear and anxiety, fighting sleep and bedtime. It was exhausting, but beyond that, it was concerning. Like most moms, I assumed the absolute worst had happened so while my husband was putting him down for the dozenth time one night I took to Google and Psychology Today to find my son a therapist.
I know… a shocker that the therapist’s first instinct was to seek therapy. 🙄
I’m ashamed to say that the thought crossed my mind that I wanted someone who could make my son’s “issues” go away - I’m ashamed because I know that’s not how therapy works. I’m also embarrassed to admit that as a mom and therapist, I felt a bit like a failure. As I was submitting inquiry forms - concerned about what we’d discover when we finally met with someone- it dawned on me that there wasn’t anything wrong with him, but everything was wrong with me.
That might be a bit dramatic, okay very dramatic, but what I’m trying to say is that my son was reacting to how I had been feeling - life was stressful for our family at the time and I was trying to balance a business, a job, a home, a marriage, and kids. I was angry, exhausted, unsupported, overwhelmed, overworked, worried, and completely dysregulated.
If that wasn’t enough, because I was so out of whack carrying the weight of everything, I was also taking a lot out on him. Short-fused, triggered by the seemingly most insignificant things, unable to slow down and be present because there was just too much to do. I felt like I was drowning - there was no way I could keep my family afloat.
As much as we as adults believe our kids don’t understand or don’t notice our big adult problems - they do. The crappy part for them and for us is that they don’t have the autonomy, language, or brain development to deal with that level of stress. Instead, they act out or shut down - trying to deal.
First, I want to say, that you’re allowed to struggle. I know I needed to hear that when my son was going through his issues and absorbing my mess. It’s not your fault and you haven’t broken your kids. That being said, it is your responsibility to make changes.
What kind of changes?
Making your needs a priority. This isn’t to say you are most important or that it’s you above everyone, but that you’re worth considering. That without being considered you aren’t able to show up for the ones you care about in the ways they need you.
Let go of perfection. You’re not going to get it right every time. Extend yourself the compassion and grace you would someone you care about. Notice your thoughts and where they lead you. This is the foundation of the work I do with parents both in therapy and coaching - apply to work together here.
Slow down. Incorporate moments throughout your day to take pause and take notice. The more we rush the more we feel the need to rush. It’s hard to step outside the hamster wheel of life that demands you to keep up, but it doesn’t have to be fancy to be effective.
Breathe. Use your breath to ground you. Your body and brain are connected - constantly giving feedback to one another. Changes in one impact change in another. Slow and intentional breath helps you to be more mentally and emotionally intentional.
I used these strategies myself once I became aware of how much I was impacting my son. They became a more regular part of my routine. Not only did I feel better, but my family was transformed as well. There was more peace, less yelling and battles; more moments of joy from such simple shifts.
Next Steps
Our kids are paying more attention to what we do than what we say. You can tell your kids until you’re blue in the face, how much they matter, how they are safe, and loved, but they’re responding to how you show up. Make sure you’re showing up for you at least as much as you are for them. Let me show you how - start the conversation by applying to work together here.
