7 Tips Managing Stress and Overwhelm for Busy, Perfectionist Parents
I’m the wife of a firefighter who works a rotating schedule, a mom of 3 young kids, and a business-owning therapist. To say I’m busy with a lot on my plate would be an understatement. And yet, at times I lose sight of how much I really do carry. I often feel there’s more I could or should be doing. So much so that I’ve carried my busyness like a badge of honor - taking on more, over-extending, refusing help even when it’s offered. As if I have something to prove - not sure to who or what.
Can you relate?
Before kids, I was used to grinding and thrived off stress. My value was deeply rooted in my ability to be productive and achieve. Fast forward to motherhood, and I just couldn’t do it all the same way. The irony is, with kids, there’s more to stress over and a lot more at stake, all with what feels like a lower threshold.
The shift came for me when I recognized that being continually stressed didn’t make me a better mom or the mom I wanted to be for my kids. Instead of feeling present and connected, I felt detached and snappy. I might be able to handle the stress, but the impact on my kids was something I wasn’t willing to compromise on.
A lot of my work with clients has centered on managing stress. Fortunately for clients, I have a lot of lived experience that goes beyond the dry clinical recommendations. First, it’s important to acknowledge that managing stress is a process, not an event. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s also important to recognize that it’s not limited to those with endless resources like a support system or wealth. You don’t have to offload tasks or hire help to feel less stressed - although asking for help can be beneficial, it’s not the only way to experience relief.
Even if you’ve heard these before, or tried them, the perspective shift and permission can be especially useful in making a difference in how you feel. I personally utilize all of these in some capacity, some work better in certain situations than others. Feel free to experiment. Repetition is key.
The Tips:
1. Get Help
Childcare, house cleaner, dog walker, grocery delivery. I understand you might not be in a place to hire, but decide what can be offloaded and have the courage to ask. People are often more than willing to lend a hand - they just aren’t able to read your mind. What seems obvious to you, isn’t obvious to them - ask. If you are in a place to hire (which is much more affordable and accessible than you might think) then do it. We hired someone within the last week to come clean the house once a month. It may not seem like much but the 3-5 hours that I don’t have to commit to cleaning my house means a lot to me - more time with my kids, more time with my husband, more time with myself. You don’t have to be good at everything. By hiring you are actually giving to someone else rather than being the lazy pile you think you are. You aren’t meant and shouldn’t have to do it all yourself- it doesn’t make you a better mom. Asking for help isn’t all or nothing. Just because you get help once doesn’t mean you have to keep getting the same help. Including your kids in chores.
2. Block Your Schedule
I was hesitant about this at first myself because life with littles means schedules can be a bit unpredictable, but I was amazed at how much less stressed I was after the fact. Knowing that I had a plan for when I’d get something done - not having every minor detail scheduled to the hour - but a general idea that today I would get these 2 or 3 tasks off my list at these general times allowed me to think about them less outside of that time - be more present with my kids. It might be helpful to start by noticing the pattern of a few days. I started with my son’s school schedule. I knew he had to be awake at a certain time and that I would be busy helping them for a certain timeframe before I could move on to something else. I also knew when he’d be off the bus and what our after school/evening routine looked like. From there I plugged in working out and work because those were other big non-negotiables while considering that I wanted time to play with my girls before my son got home. Blocking my schedule helped me to focus and give me peace of mind.
3. Prioritize
Thinking we have to get everything done right now is recipe for disaster. Instead, pick 1-2 things that must get done and focus on those. Everything else is bonus. Using the time blocking from before, you can schedule in when you’ll get certain tasks done throughout your week instead of running like a chicken with your head cut off. Breaking tasks down into smaller parts can also be helpful in seeing that it’s not as big as you might have made it out to be.
4. Talk About It
Write it down. Get what’s on your mind out of your head. No one needs to have a solution, you’re not being bitter and ungrateful by sharing your frustrations, instead you’re freeing up your mental capacity. When your brain knows that you’ve written something down it no longer feels the need to waste energy keeping it at front of mind.
5. Breathe
Notice your signs for when you’re getting stressed or overwhelmed - do you get short tempered, tense, does your breathing become shallow. Use your tells as cues to breath. Not a quick huffy breath. A slow, deep, intentional breath. So much of our stress manifests physically, telling our mind to keep freaking out. If we can change our body posture and breathing, we can change our mindset.
6. Focus on Gratitude
This isn’t look for the silver lining nonsense, but instead choosing where you direct your attention. By being grateful you’re not dismissing that things also can suck, but providing yourself with hope that you can manage.
7. Affirmations
Statements of encouragement can seem cheesy, but why is it that you can so easily say and believe all the nasty hurtful things you tell yourself like you’re not enough, you are worthless and bad, etc. without a second thought? What you tell yourself is important - specifically what you tell yourself about the stress you’re feeling and your ability to overcome.
Next Steps
If you’re a parent, you have a lot on your plate. You’re tired, busy, and overwhelmed by the fact that you’re trying to do your best. It’s okay not to be okay. I invite you to choose 1 or 2 of the strategies above and give them a try. Let me know what you noticed or share your thoughts by sending me an email or DM on Instagram. If you’re looking for more support in managing your stress and feeling more confident - complete the inquiry form linked here and let’s start the conversation.
