3 Things to Keep in Mind for People Pleasing Parents
You may have always struggled with perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying what others think of you, but if you haven’t discovered it yet, parenting has a way of dialing it up a notch. Particularly as moms, you’re under a microscope where it feels like there’s no winning no matter what you do. Everyone has an opinion of what’s the best and what’s right and it can feel like it’s your job to listen.
Will it be hard? Of course. Will it take time? Certainly. Will it feel like is worse before it gets better? Absolutely. But in order to create the relationship with your children that you long for and to be the parent you hoped to be, this is what must be done.
You Want Better
I know you want better for your kids. I know you want them to have more confidence than you had. You want to see them shine and live to their full potential without hiding themselves away or stressed over someone else’s opinion. You don’t want them to worry in the ways that you worry. You want them to enjoy life to the fullest - self-assured, authentic, confident.
The thing is our children learn more from what we do than what we say. If we want them to be self-assured and courageous, to think and feel differently than we have, we have to lead by example. We have to break the cycle of people-pleasing in our own lives so that they can see a different way of being. It starts with us, with our willingness to step out of our comfort zones and show them what it means to live authentically and confidently. Below are some helpful things to keep in mind as you do.
#1: People Pleasing Isn’t What You Think
First, it’s important for you to understand that people-pleasing isn’t about making others happy. Instead, people pleasing is about your discomfort with discomfort. Think about it for a moment. You’re uncomfortable with confrontation; with someone being upset with you, the possibility that they may not like you. You get squirmy when others are sad or upset and jump in to fix it mode. The fix in this case is appeasing - shutting down your needs and desires for the sake of someone else’s, silencing your opinions, overextending yourself all with the intent to deflect and avoid internal distress.
How to address it: Start looking at what’s going on underneath. What’s happening in those moments you turn to people pleasing for comfort? What are you avoiding? Until you acknowledge what’s happening you’ll never be able to change it.
#2: There’s Nothing Wrong With People-Pleasing
Being worried about what others think, wanting to belong and connect; there’s nothing wrong with that. Instinctively, that’s how we’re wired, it’s essential for our survival. Being worried that you won’t be liked or that someone will disagree, that you’ll lose a friend or upset someone that’s not the problem - those are feelings. The problem is how you feel about your feelings and what you do with what you feel. Do you avoid conflict and agree reluctantly only to harbor resentment? Do you play scenarios in your head over and over again even days after?
How to address it: Recognize that you’re allowed to feel worry or whatever it is you’re feeling. Fighting against what you feel or ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Acknowledge what you feel and then actively CHOOSE what you’re going to do with that information. Your feelings aren’t the complete picture of what’s happening.
#3: Stop Trying
The only way to stop people pleasing is to stop people pleasing. People pleasing reinforces people pleasing - the more you do it, the more you need to do it. Your brain is designed for comfort and convenience and it repeats what works. It won’t be easy to do something different, but the more you act opposite of what you usually do the more the opposite action becomes the norm.
How to address it: Start small. Recognize when people pleasing most often shows up for you and game plan proactively to take opposite action. Maybe it’s saying no to volunteering at your kids school or telling your partner you want sushi instead of pizza for dinner. Flex the muscle of intention.
I truly hope you found this helpful. Use these as suggestions for reflection rather than prescription - intention truly is everything. As always, if you’re needing more support fill out the contact form linked here to learn more and discuss options available to you.
