Navigating Parenting Challenges: Finding Harmony in Parenting: Part 3

A 3 Part Blog Series

Part 3: The Solution

In Part 1 we discussed the importance of consistency and boundaries in parenting. In Part 2 we uncovered what makes being consistent and setting boundaries so hard even when we know what we “should” be doing. While you might be feeling like a failure at this point, or defeated, this part is where the hope comes, because you’re not forever doomed. No matter how far in you are, there’s always time to turn back. 

Will it be hard? Of course. Will it take time? Certainly. Will it feel like is worse before it gets better? Absolutely. But in order to create the relationship with your children that you long for and to be the parent you hoped to be, this is what must be done.

The First Step

So let’s start with the fact that if you don’t know there’s a problem, or more specifically what the problem is, there’s absolutely no way you’ll resolve it. I don’t mean just generally knowing that you’re hard on yourself, or that you get angry, or that you shut down and avoid conflict. Those are a great start, but what I mean is really digging in and getting clear about what’s happening. 

It doesn’t matter why it’s happening. Asking yourself why is an approach shrouded with criticism and judgment and to be honest there’s very rarely just one reason. No, there’s a difference between seeking to understand what’s happening and why it’s happening. So what’s happening? What do you notice? State the facts and get curious. 

This requires a level of patience and slowing down that just isn’t welcomed, especially as busy parents, which is probably why you aren’t doing it. It’s uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Yet, without this step, the rest won’t matter. It’ll be like throwing spaghetti at a wall. The understanding of what’s happening helps you to know how to respond. The understanding of what’s happening allows you to have compassion for yourself and your children so that you can move through what you’re feeling and experiencing rather than get stuck in the same cycles of highs and lows; beating yourself down all to unravel and repeat.

Next

It’s one thing to know what’s happening, it's an entirely different thing to do something with it. Which is likely what led you hear. You are smart and self-aware; you know what to do, but struggle to take action. 

This is where I encourage the support of someone else because it’ll be harder for you to be able to see the blindspots and push past the resistance you’ll experience when you do. It’s not how our brains are designed. They want life to be quick and painless. In fact, they are created to avoid pain and struggle at all costs. You’ve avoided and numbed for a reason; you needed to, it worked to get you where you were. Thank you brain for that, but we don’t need that coping anymore; it’s no longer working. 

With support, you can explore safely what is uncomfortable to eventually create change. For example, you may recognize your fears around being out of control but paralyzed at what to do with that fear so you cling tightly to anything that keeps that fear at bay at the expense of your relationship with your children or your children’s growth. With support, not only will you be able to acknowledge specifically the fear you face but also you’ll learn strategies of what to do when that fear happens to create a new habit loop; a stronger connection with your kids, and an intentional response rather than overreaction. 

What comes next is a lot about facing what you feel head-on instead of burying it deeper beneath what doesn’t really matter and surface-level issues. In not addressing the root, you’ll just be putting out fires. The problem will keep coming back - maybe in a different form such as tantruming a toddler to an out-of-control teenager, but the roots will be the same. 

Let’s Recap

In all actuality it’s a four step process depending on how you want to break it down. Create awareness, learn to challenge and accept what’s happening, and take action. You’re not struggling as a parent because you’re not cut out for the job, you’re struggling because parenting is more than about rules and consequences. It’s about what happens within you that has an impact on what happens in your relationship with your kids. Deciding rules is the easy part, managing your emotions as you lead your kids is an entirely different story, but with support that can change. 

I invite you to reflect on what you’ve learned throughout this series as it relates to you. Decide to take action based on what you gained, but recognize that support helps to make the process quicker and more effective. If that’s something you’re interested in, I invite you to complete the inquiry form linked at the top and bottom of this page. I’ll follow up to answer any questions and help you decide if it’s a good fit. 

Thanks so much for reading. Stay tuned for other content on parenting, postpartum, and motherhood. I look forward to serving you and your family.