Navigating Parenting Challenges: Finding Harmony in Parenting: Part 2
A 3 Part Blog Series
Part 2: The Reasoning
In part 1 we shattered the myths about gentle parenting and called out the importance of clear boundaries and consistency. It’s not generally a problem for parents to dole out rules and punishment - in many ways that’s the easy part because that’s our understanding of the job. That’s the part that’s common, it’s talked about openly and it’s a high grossing industry. You know what you need to do, the problem is doing it because when you do it you’re confronted with doubt, fear, pain, and your own insecurity.
Parenting Isn’t The Hard Part
The hard part isn’t the parenting, it's what’s happening within the parent as you parent. Parenting has a way of resurfacing old crap - stuff you may or may not have known existed, stuff from your own childhood and lived experience - in a whole new way, all while trying to keep another human alive and help them to thrive.
Let me give you some examples of what I mean:
I’ve worked with lenient parents, the ones who have a hard time making the rules and following through. They feel like their kids are a bit out of control. These parents often had strict parents who didn’t help them feel nurtured as children, who as children were dismissed or invalidated when they were struggling. Lenient parents often come from a place of not wanting their kids to feel the way they have felt and so they waffle on the rules, they’re accommodating, and they’re frustrated because what they’re doing isn’t working.
I’ve worked with overly strict parents who often function out of fear. They yell and make dole out harsh punishments and make unreasonable rules for the sake of safety. They’re lived experience is that the world is a dangerous place. They care deeply for their children and want what’s best for them; often missing the child right in front of them. These parents take control of what they can in vulnerable, uncertain, and out of control situations - (the almost literal definition of all things parenting). Never have they loved someone so much and felt so powerless and helpless. They squeeze tighter and build up walls, feeling discouraged.
I’ve worked with parents who avoid and numb. They too care deeply but instead of taking control they tap out. They’re overwhelmed, maybe by parenting or by life; not knowing what to do they just don’t do much of anything, but not for lack of trying. They may be physically absent or emotionally absent. Unable to connect or even fearful of connection. These parents feel disconnected, but long to have a relationship with their families.
I’ve worked with parents who have some combination of parents listed above who often are in a tug of war using their kids as the rope. These parents feel as though they are on a rollercoaster of unpredictability.
It’s Not Your Fault
I want to lead by saying - none of this is to place blame or tell you that you’re doing a terrible job because you’re not - even on your worst days, you are the best parent for your children because you’re showing up, you’re putting in the effort, and you’re doing your best.
Instead, the reason I mention the patterns I see as a parent therapist is to shed light on what’s causing you to feel so frustrated and discouraged as a parent, why you’re working so hard, and feeling like you’re not going anywhere. It’s not your kids, it’s not that you weren’t cut out for this, it’s that parenting is more than making rules and punishing. It’s more than what anyone could have prepared you for, on a deeply emotional and relational level, and it is for everyone.
What Next?
If you aren’t able to see that and instead try to go by the book, you’ll keep feeling disappointed and miss the opportunity to connect with your kids; to be the parent you hoped to be. We need to be aware of how our own crap influences how we show up as a parent in order to execute meaningful solutions and lead our families.
You don’t quit on your kids, but you definitely can’t keep going like this. You’re not a failure, all hope isn’t lost. In the next article of this series, I offer a step-by-step solution to take action. Until then, consider for yourself and your family:
How were you parented?
What life experiences do you see influencing your parenting? In what ways?
What are your biggest, most challenging conflict points within your parenting? Battles that you have consistently or that are escalated.
