Navigating Parenting Challenges: Finding Harmony in Parenting: Part 1
A 3 Part Blog Series
Part 1: The Problem
I’m a parent therapist. I meet with parents daily who are struggling with their kids. Kids who have behavior concerns like not listening, problems in school, back talk, lying, hitting, and broken curfews as well as kids who are struggling with mental health problems like anxiety depression, adhd, and eating disorders. In our work together we not only develop strategies to address their concerns but also help to have appropriate expectations that set them up for success in the first place.
Regardless of what parents are coming to me for, seemingly unrelated, we do a lot of similar work. This three part blog series is going to walk you through that work by outlining the steps I go through with parents in creating harmony in their home, builder stronger relationships within their family, and developing a greater sense of confidence in themselves.
The Truth About “Gentle Parenting”
We want to do better than our parents. We see the way they failed us - told us to suck it up and get over it when we needed their nurturing and support, we’re inattentive and disengaged, or just downright cruel. Enter gentle parenting which is all the rage on Tik-Tok and Instagram; the latest parenting trend.
Yet, based on what I have discovered from when parents come to see me, there’s a misunderstanding of what gentle parenting actually is. For many of my parents they see gentle parenting as the antithesis of the parenting they received - they don’t want to be an asshole like their parents so that must mean they have to cave to everyone of their kids’ request. Parents aren’t sure where to draw the line and thinking that giving in is how to nurture, provide safety, and comfort.
It’s as if we went from one end of the extreme to the next, because what I just explained is considered permissive parenting where there are no rules and it’s a free for all. Sounds good in theory except that with a lack of boundaries and consistency there’s chaos. Kids don’t know what to expect or when to expect. With no one taking charge they take charge because they are looking for a leader. They don’t know what they don’t know. This world is all new for them.
Gentle parenting is being empathetic and understanding of your kids while guiding them. It’s slowing down and seeing life from their level in order to help them take the next step. It’s viewing them as a human with thoughts, feelings, ideas, and opinions. None of this is the same as letting them do what they want without redirection or consequence, it’s coming from a place of intentional redirection. This is how we help kids to feel safe. It’s not being harsh or unreasonable, it’s being a parent and of course, that’s not easy and it isn’t always fun.
The Importance of Consistency and Boundaries
Consider for a moment how new the world is for your kid - regardless of if they’re hours old or entering the obstinate teen phase - everything is new to them. They’re worldview is much more limited than our big adult brains like to believe. We have years of experience on them that influences our judgment and perception - for worse or for better. What’s obvious to us is not as obvious to them and yet we expect it to be. We want our kids to have adult understanding and logic with kid experience and brains.
Kids don’t know what they don’t know and it’s our job as parents to teach them, but in order to teach them we first need to know where they are coming from, where they’re starting. The only way to know that, like I mentioned before, is to slow down and enter their world. See life through their eyes; remember what it’s like to not have autonomy, to be learning how to handle everything you’re feeling, to be discovering yourself and your place in the world. This is the difference maker between what we had as kids and what we are modeling for our kids. It’s not a matter of “I win, you lose” and vise versa, but coming from a place of help me understand.
From a place of better understanding, you can provide structure that fits the individual needs of your child. Enter boundaries and consistency. Boundaries are what you are willing to tolerate or the expectations, while consistency is the application. Parents often have no problem doling out a boundary - “Don’t do this”, “Hurry and do that”, etc. It’s the consistency that poses a concern and where the cards crumble because parents associate consistency with rigidity and lack of compromise. They view themselves as authoritarian.
The difference between authoritarian parenting and gentle parenting is that gentle parents are attuned with their kids. Gentle parents slow down, empathize, seek understanding, in order to know the best way to lead; they are confident and secure, regulated, and self-aware. Authoritarian parents come from a place of “because I said so” or it’s you versus me and I want to win. Authoritarian parents struggle with the emotional connection piece of parenting.
Consistency isn’t about being the boss or asserting your dominance, instead it’s letting your kids know that they are safe. When kids know what they can expect from you time and time again they build a secure attachment and ultimately feel safe. When consistency is lacking life feels chaotic and from chaos survival is threatened; kids don’t feel safe and when they don’t feel safe their bodies respond accordingly (flight, fight, freeze stress response - ignoring you, yelling, hitting, lying, etc.). Within consistency their is flexibility.
What Next?
As mentioned, this is a blog series. I invite and in fact, I encourage you to check out the next article for what makes this so easy to know and yet hard to execute. In the meantime, consider for yourself and your family:
What are your boundaries?
How consistent are you in applying your boundaries?
When do you struggle most to be consistent?
What beliefs do you have about parenting - whether it be your own, your upbringing, or in general?
