5 Reasons You're Battling It Out With Your Kids (And What to do Next)

In my work as a therapist and coach supporting parents, I’m a passionate advocate that awareness is a crucial tool to any problem you’re trying to solve because if you don’t understand what you’re dealing with you’re not going to deal with it in the most fitting way. It’s a bit like throwing spaghetti at a wall and hoping something sticks - maybe if you’re reading this, that’s how you’re feeling.

I’m presenting you with 5 reasons that I’ve found in my work with parents that influence the struggles you’re having. I’m not saying this is a comprehensive list, there may be more reasons or offshoots of what I’ve shared, but just because it doesn’t fit exactly your situation I still want you to use this list as a starting place of exploration so that you can start responding to what’s happening for you. 

Reason #1: Missing Connection

Let me start with the fact that I work from home so I spend a LOT of time with my kids. I wanted that time and chose that time and am grateful for a career that allows that flexibility, but even in wanting that time and having that time I don’t always use it wisely. I still get excited for their bedtime and savor the hours I wake before they are. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the time with them, it’s the opposite, but sometimes it’s just too much. 

Maybe you’re like me and you have a lot of time at home too, a lot of time with your kids, but even if you’re not there’s a difference between quantity of time and quality of time. You can spend days with your kids but if you’re on your phone, rushing around the house getting things done, existing in your own worlds - I’m guilty too so this isn’t a judgment - it’s not quality. 

Quality is connected and present; seeing the moment and each other without undue pressure. Often when we’re battling it out with our kids it’s because we’re disconnected - we have a vision of what should be that’s different than what is. We’re hearing them but not listening, not entering their world and seeing it through their eyes. 

Our job as parents is to act as guides, to join them and lead them from where they are to where they are trying to go using what we know of them and of life. That only comes from a place of connection.

Reason #2: Unmet Expectations

This leads me to the next point which is our expectations of what should be are often different from what is. The expectations aren’t the problem though because honestly, that’s human nature to want and have desire, but how we react or respond to those expectations makes a world of difference. 

It’s not about getting rid of the expectations but being flexible. Understanding that there’s going to be some give and take; that things are not rigid and divisive all the time. Using the rule and standards as a map rather than an ultimatum.

It’s challenging though, especially in a day and age where comparison is rampant due to our enmeshment with social media. Friends and strangers boast their highlight reel of perfection as a standard to measure ourselves by. I mean think of the last time you were proud of something you did and then as soon as you went on social media your excitement was dimmed because someone else was doing it better. We compare ourselves and our kids to others, again because it’s human nature to want to know where we stack up and belong, but it can also trigger shame. The feeling that you’re bad at a core level.

When we’re in shame we armor up to protect ourselves by lashing out, shutting down, avoiding, turning hate inward, etc. It doesn’t make for a very present, connected approach to parenting.

Reason #3: Triggered

You may scoff at this word because it’s so overused, but there’s no better way to describe what’s happening. We have beliefs and experiences we carry into any relationship that influence how we perceive life. Again, this isn’t problematic, it's human, but when we are unaware of how we are feeling, thinking, and are influenced by our experiences we can quickly become triggered by seemingly unrelated events. We react out of habit rather than respond with intention. 

Have you had those moments where you’re not sure why you felt or acted a certain way? It’s because our brain has two main jobs: 1) to make things easy for us, 2) to keep us safe. It’s really good at doing both until it isn’t. Sometimes it goes into overdrive and misinterprets what’s happening based on the past and what we know. 

You may have done a lot of personal work before having kids and believe you laid things to rest and healed. That’s perhaps so, but kids also have a way, at no fault of their own, of resurfacing old wounds in new ways - both what you are already aware of and worked through and others that you may not have known existed. 

The problem isn’t about being triggered because in a lot of ways this isn’t in your control. Instead, it’s how you choose to respond once triggered. Can you slow the process down to be more effective rather than entering a cycle of wash, rinse, repeat?

Reason #4: Inconsistent Boundaries

I’ll be writing a whole other blog on this topic (if it’s not already up) so I won’t spend too much time discussing this now. What I will say is kids feel safe when there are consistent, clear boundaries. When there are unclear assumptions that consistently change kids get confused. They are looking for leadership and when that isn’t available, they will take charge because chaos and confusion foster a sense of insecurity and unsafety. 

Inconsistent boundaries often stem from a lack of self-awareness and regulation. We are uncomfortable with other people’s (i.e. in most cases our kids) discomfort. We feel like we’re doing right by them because we are making them happy, but what we are really conveying is you can’t trust me and I am not in charge.

Reason #5: Priorities

There’s an expectation that as parents, particularly as moms but dads too, you’re to put your kids first, sacrifice everything, and martyr yourself. The more you do it, the better parent you are. The reality though, the more you lose yourself and give out of obligation, the more you foster resentment towards your kids, partner, and even yourself. 

Is that really giving though? When you’re angry to give and feel hurt by the fact that it’s your obligation to be good - a good person, parent, partner, etc. - is that really a giving heart?

Resentment breeds anger and the anger has to go somewhere - closing you off from the opportunity to be an effective parent, a present partner, and self-compassionate.

You need to consider yourself. Make your needs a priority so that you can give to your kids in the ways you long to give. Your kids will be better for it because you’ll be able to be present, compassionate, and patient; the essentials of a giving, effective parent. 

I get it, you’re busy and don’t have a lot of time for self-care. You may even loathe the word because it’s so frequently used without a lot of substance behind it. If that’s the case, don’t focus on that. Focus on treating yourself with the kindness that you extend to others you love. Doing what needs to be done despite the discomfort of doing it. Taking care of yourself, making yourself a priority is more than scheduling extravagant outings, it’s about tending to your needs with intention; eating, sleeping, hydrating, moving, breathing, connecting, experiencing, and so on.

The Solution

I mentioned at the start that I would be sharing some strategies to help you move the needle of change. I even hinted at tips in each of the above sections just in case you missed it, but I will break it all down more thoroughly here with the understanding my approach and philosophy are less about WHAT you do and more about the intention behind it. Not everything will work for your family which is why I also believe in the importance of tailored support through coaching and therapy. 

Start with the connection. Slow down and get curious. Observe without judgment, take notice, and be present. If you do nothing else, this alone will work wonders for you and your family. Recognize that this work is a practice and that it doesn’t happen overnight. Put in the reps and you’ll get there.

Decide what is important to you and base your priorities and decisions around that. Make it a practice to reflect periodically on alignment.

Keep in mind that while these shifts are subtle their impact is major. It will feel uncomfortable at first because it’s new and unfamiliar, but with time it will get more routine.

I break down the solution into a 5 step process with my free guide linked here if you’re interested in learning more.

If you’re looking for more personalized support feel free to submit an inquiry form linked here and at the top of the page and I will follow up with you about scheduling a free 15-minute consultation to discuss service options more in-depth.