How to Give Yourself Permission to Rest as an Anxious Mom
The Challenge of Rest
It’s frustrating that people are always saying to “do less”, “ask for help”, and “don’t stress so much”, but as a parent, you don’t really have the luxury to offload responsibility. There are tiny humans depending on you and if not you then who will do it? It’s more work to tell someone how to do your job than to do it yourself.
If you’ve always been a people-pleasing, perfectionist parenting tends to amplify the challenge to find rest. There's an immense amount of pressure to be the “perfect parent” making it hard to release expectations and give yourself permission to relax without the fear of letting someone down.
Personally, for most of my life I never liked to nap. I hated weekends spent at home. I’ve always felt lost at the idea of doing nothing; I don’t know how, even when I physically was still my mind was full of racing thoughts and to-do lists needing done. Rest felt out of my reach, an impossibility. Even when given the opportunity I would fill my time because it was so uncomfortable to be still.
The Pitfalls of Perfectionism and Parenting
Maybe you’re the same? You’ll rest and relax once everything is done, but when will that be? There’s always more to be done, something that you’re missing; the feeling that you’re not enough.
Rest feels like it’s something to be earned, like you have something to prove before you can enjoy and take part. You both scoff at others and look at them with jealousy when they’re able to “let go” and “unwind”. Wishful thinking.
Perfectionism isn’t about having everything in order—it’s about being perceived as put together; a sense of enoughness. When perfectionism meets parenting, it has you stressing over decisions, feeling the pressure that leads to burnout and a sense of failure. You can’t let up off the gas because then you, and your family, will fall behind. A hamster wheel that keeps on spinning, only getting faster.
The Heaviness of the Mental Load
Before becoming a parent you might you may have imagined splitting responsibilities equally or maintaining some sense of normalcy, just with an extra little human in tow. But the reality is different because parenting is so much more than feeding methods, sleep schedules, and discipline. Parenting isn’t just physically exhausting; it’s mentally draining with influence over every part of your life.
You don’t get to just shut off being a parent. The mental load of tracking schedules, planning meals, and monitoring the emotional temperature of the house is never-ending. Even when you’re not with your kids you’re thinking about your kids. Your mind won’t shut off. You think, "If I don’t worry about these things, who will?" Rest becomes almost impossible when your brain is always running.
The pressure to be a good mom and what that means in this day and age with social media influence and parenting resources in abundance. If you’re not ahead, you’re behind and I imagine you’re feeling that weight.
Expectation vs. Reality
Let’s just be honest here, there’s never going to be a “right” time to rest. There will always be something beckoning for your attention, that urgently needs to get done, a way you’re falling behind.
You might hope that the weekend brings solace only to find that there are birthday parties to attend, soccer games to watch, and laundry to fold. Another missed chance, another way the wheel keeps on spinning.
Even when you do take a moment to yourself, when you set all the demands aside and take time for yourself, the guilt sets in. Feeling like you should use this window to get ahead or even spend time with your kids because you’re undistracted and free. Rest feels selfish.
The truth: taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s necessary to show up well in all the other ways you do in life
Why Taking Rest is Still Important (Even When it Feels Impossible)
You’re setting the example. Your kids are learning that self-care is a priority, not an afterthought. They’ll be more proactive in tending to their own needs because they gain more from what you do than what you say.
You show up better. You’re able to give your full effort and attention when you have met your needs. Showing up exhausted, resentful, and burned out isn’t benefiting anyone - in fact you’re more likely to be angry and distracted (and it’ll show). There’s no prize for burning the candle at both ends.
You’re breaking the cycle. The more you allow yourself to rest the easier rest becomes. The more you continue on the hamster wheel of anxiety and stress, the more you are reinforced in anxiety and stress.
Making the Shift: Practical Tips for Prioritizing Rest
Schedule the time: Put time for rest on the calendar like any other appointment. Scheduling ensures that you make the time and gives perspective on how much you can get done with the time you have.
Don’t wait for perfect: There’s never going to be a perfect time to rest. Life’s always busy, and there will always be something left undone. Accept that rest is necessary, even amidst the chaos and you’re better for it.
Plan around what matters most: Prioritize what matters most to you and put that first. Anything that doesn’t contribute to those priorities can be shifted down the list or let go altogether.
Recognize life has seasons: The intensity of what you’re feeling now is temporary. There will be a time when things slow down, when you won’t feel this stressed and overwhelmed, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait for it to come. Give yourself permission to rest now.
Extend compassion to yourself: Treat yourself with the kindness you so willingly give to others. Speak to yourself the way you would someone you love. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can, and it’s okay to take breaks when you need them.
Start small: You don’t have to commit to days or even hours of rest, especially in the beginning. That’s not sustainable. Instead, start with minutes (1-10) of intentional care and rest. Quiet time or something simple that helps you recharge—deep breathing, listening to music, or just sitting outside.
Ask for help: Asking for help is an invitation for others to support you and be a part of your life. Sometimes, people want to help but don’t know how. Be specific in your requests, whether it’s for help with chores, childcare, or emotional support.
Next Steps: Rest is essential, not optional
As a mom, it’s easy to think you don’t have time for rest or that you’ll get to it at some point. The mental battle is often more of the challenge than the time constraints. But in reality, rest is not just a luxury—it’s a necessity for your well-being. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you’ll show up better for your family when you’ve taken time for yourself. So start small, extend yourself grace, and remember, you deserve it.
Want to learn more about working together? Start here. I’ve helped countless parents do the inner work to remove guilt and self-doubt in order to take time for themselves, experience more joy and connection, and feel more confident.
