Managing Mom Guilt: Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations and Embracing Imperfection

Dec 16

The Endless Evening Routine: Why Bedtime Feels So Heavy

It’s the last few hours before bed, just before dinner and after, that just seem to drag on. I’m completely exhausted; the whole family is running on fumes, patience is thin, and demand is high. Finally, the mad rush to the finish - bath, pajamas, teeth, story, and they’re all asleep. I miss them.

As I reflect on the day, I start to critique myself over what didn’t go well, how I could have done better. I recount the times I lost my patience, gave into a tantrum, was distracted or rushed. I liken it to an athlete in the locker room after a big game reviewing footage (I mean at least I assume, I was never very athletic, but the bench was always nice and warm).

Even as I close my eyes for sleep, I make promises to myself that tomorrow will be better. I’ll be more patient, more engaged, more charismatic and fun. I’m going to do better about putting down my phone, making special time for play, not get so upset over such minor indiscretions. Still…the guilt is so heavy. I long desperately for a redo - to the point I wish I could wake them all up and start the day over, try again.

The Relatable Feeling: Why Moms Feel They Aren't Doing Enough

Do you ever feel that way? FInd yourself at the end of the day ruminating over the fact that nothing you did felt like it was enough or should have gone better?

I want to be clear, just so we’re all on the same page - mom guilt is the feeling that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. There’s always room for more or better. In some ways, it feels like you’ve let your kids or family down. And the harsh reality is that guilt doesn’t visit solo, no it brings its good pals - shame and embarrassment.

I don’t know that any of us really want to own that we feel guilty, it’s not a pleasant feeling. What would others think if they knew? Then again…what would others think if they believed we didn’t feel guilt? If we were…confident in our mothering?

Ugh, it’s such a Catch-22. No real way to win.

Understanding Mom Guilt: The Pressure to Always Do More

For the most part, guilt comes from a good place. You love your kids, you want nothing more than to give them your best, but let me ask you, is it really in their best interest? To fret over inconsequential details, to strive and be so critical. Imagine how much time and energy wasted, for what?

Truly, I mean no disrespect. I am not here to be more critical of your criticism. Instead, I know that if you’re reading this you know how fruitless guilt is, but you feel trapped. You don’t see any other way or at least you’re unsure of how to get there.

You’re probably someone who has always felt a lot of unnecessary guilt, reasons you weren’t measuring up. Having kids just added another layer. I know that was the case for me. I’m a people pleaser at my core; avoiding disappointing others at all costs.

I want it to be known that I speak from experience. What I’m about to share with you isn’t going to be a rah-rah sort of battle cry or a fluffy statement that looks good as a needlepoint. No, what I’m about to tell you when it comes to managing mom guilt comes from the trenches - both personally as an anxious, perfectionist, people-pleasing mom of 3 and clinically as a licensed therapist with a decade of training and time in the chair.

So let’s begin.

The Roots of Guilt: Self-Criticism and the Pressure to Be Perfect

Every day the moms I work with share with me what goes on inside their heads and believe me, it’s not pretty. It’s some of the cruelest, most hateful stuff I’ve ever heard and for them it’s normal. Most of the moms I work with don’t even notice that they’re talking to themselves like that anymore. It’s like white noise to them; deeply rooted weeds. Yet, in our work together - following the strategies I’m about to lay out for you - they’re able to weed their garden and discover the truth.

To deal with mom guilt first you’re going to need to get clear on what mom guilt actually is for you. What’s actually happening? You feel guilty, I hear that, but there’s more to it than that. Here are some questions to consider:

How do you know you feel guilty? Where do you feel it and what does it feel like for you?
What specifically do you feel guilty for?
What are you telling yourself about your guilt?
What do you gain/avoid by feeling guilty (no actually, go beyond the gut reaction of “nothing” - if you weren’t guilty then what? What happens when you feel guilty - break it down)

See what I mean, there’s more layers to guilt than just a sweeping statement of “mom guilt” and until you unpack it and get clear or at least clearer on what your mom guilt is, your going to be hard pressed to manage it.

Why Rationalizing Guilt Doesn’t Work (and What to Do Instead)

You can’t rationalize mom guilt. You can’t talk yourself out of it, I guarantee you’ve tried. Mom guilt, or guilt, is a feeling. You know, deep down, that you’re a good mom even when you don’t necessarily feel like a good mom - there's a difference and it’s that difference (feeling and knowing) that keeps you stuck.

Let me make my point with an example, you’re probably like me and have had friends or family tell you how incredible you are as a mom - they admire the way you’re able to tackle your toddlers’ tantrums with such finesse or how well you love your babies. Even when they compliment you you’re quick to scoff, shrug it off, and come up with some counterargument to prove them wrong. You don’t let it sink in because you don’t feel it.

The Power of Letting Yourself Feel Guilt (Without Letting It Control You)

Piggybacking off the last point, you have to let yourself feel guilty. Letting yourself feel guilt, which you might think you already do, is different than reacting to your guilt. It’s not about talking yourself out of feeling guilty and telling yourself useless affirmations that you don’t believe, it’s allowing yourself to be uncomfortable and know that it’s not the full truth. You feeling guilty doesn’t mean that you are guilty. Let me say that again, you feeling guilty, doesn’t mean that you are guilty. You feeling bad doesn’t mean that you are bad.

I know, it’s hard, it’s hard to feel upset without escape or solution. You want relief and often that relief comes in the form of trying better, doing more, or self-criticizing, but the relief is temporary and unsatisfying isn’t it? Instead, I encourage you to lean in and ride the wave - don’t jump to a solution or try to make yourself feel better, allow yourself to just be. I promise it won’t last forever - you won’t feel like this all the time, no matter how permanent it may feel in the moment.

Three Triggers of Mom Guilt: Comparison, Boundaries, and Perfectionism

Understand your triggers. When does your guilt happen? Where does your guilt come from? There’s no one exact answer, but get curious.

Here are some common triggers I hear:

Comparing yourself to the highlights of others on social media or even within your own friend and family circles. Not recognizing that there’s more that meets the eye. You have no way of knowing what’s going on in someone else’s head or behind the scenes of their recent post - it’s not yours to know and it doesn’t matter. Your life is your life and it’s perfect for you even when it looks nothing like the mom you follow or your perfect second cousin’s.

Not setting boundaries on your time and energy. Spreading yourself too thin out of obligation and avoidance which in turn doesn’t leave enough room for rest or infamous self-care, not to mention when you’re seeking validation from what others want of you then you’re creating a narrative that’s hard to keep up with. You’ll eventually burn out.
Having a fixed idea of what perfect means to you. Knowing that life never goes to plan, it’s pretty certain that you’ll fall short of expectations every now and then.

Release the Guilt: The Path to Feeling Like a “Good Enough” Mom

I know you probably think it’s easy for me to tell you to let go of guilt and forget about perfection - you’ve probably said similar to your best friends when they’re in their head about something. But if I’m being honest, at some point enough has to be enough and I can’t decide that for you. What I can tell you is that no matter how much you hate and shame yourself it isn’t pushing you any closer to the calm, confident, or connected life you’re striving for. If it did, you probably wouldn’t be reading this or find yourself stuck in the same loop that I mentioned at the start of this piece, am I right?

I invite you, to give these tips a try. Let me know what you think. Send me a DM on Instagram or contact me using the contact page. I find it always helpful to recruit support so share this blog with a friend and challenge to do it with you. If you’re looking for more personalized support, schedule a 15-minute free consult with me.