How to Stop Feeling Like You’re Failing as a Mom: 5 Practical Tips for Perfectionists

I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had the thought that I’m failing.
Failing as a mom.
Failing as a therapist.
Failing as a wife.

From the outside, I can usually present the image that everything is just fine, that I’m holding it all together. But it’s only a matter of time before I just can’t anymore. And then I break. I lose it, break down in ugly crying, and the hateful self-talk comes flooding in. The criticism is ruthless, and in those moments, I truly believe that I’m not good enough.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably felt this too. Maybe you’re feeling it right now. You’ve always felt that there’s this crushing pressure to be the “perfect”, but especially as a mom—the one who does everything right, never drops the ball, never loses her cool, and somehow balances it all. But deep down, you know that’s not sustainable.

I often use the analogy of a sponge with my clients, and I think it’s a helpful visual here. Imagine you’re a sponge, soaking up the world around you—all the mess, all the demands, the emotions, the chaos. Over time, you get saturated. Instead of cleaning things up, you’re just spreading the mess around. You keep trying to clean, but you’ve absorbed too much, and now you’re ineffective. You’re doing more harm than good, and all that pressure is about to come pouring out. It’s not until you wring yourself out, even though that process can be messy, that you can get back to doing what you need to do. The cycle repeats.

The Perfectionism Trap: Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

Perfectionism is a lot like that. It soaks up everything—expectations, fears, doubts—and leaves you feeling stuck. You’re constantly spinning on this hamster wheel of trying to get it all "just right," but no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough. The more you rely on perfectionism to cope or feel in control, the more trapped you become. You need it to feel okay.

So how do you stop feeling like you’re failing as a mom?

How do you step off that hamster wheel and start feeling good about how you’re showing up for yourself and your family? It starts with letting go of perfectionism and embracing a new way of thinking.

Here are five practical tips to help you begin:

1. Recognize That Perfection Is an Illusion

Perfectionism is an illusion. It hides what’s really going on underneath—fear, uncertainty, maybe even a sense of powerlessness. Perfectionism gives you this false sense of control, like if you could just get everything perfect, then you’d feel safe. But it’s not real, and it’s not sustainable.

Ask yourself, what’s really going on? For many perfectionist moms, it’s fear of failure, fear of judgment, or fear of not being enough - but really it’s about feeling out of control, vulnerable, powerless, and not knowing what to do with those feelings. You know the truth that you are enough, right now, exactly as you are, but you struggle to truly believe it.

When you find yourself caught in the cycle of self-doubt or criticism, get curious. What do you notice? What do you feel? You don’t have to have it figured out. It doesn’t always need to be fixed. You don’t have to be perfect.

2. Redefine What Success Looks Like

If you feel like you’re failing, it’s probably because you’re measuring yourself by someone else’s standards. But what if you got to decide what success looks like for you as a mom? What if it’s not about meeting every expectation or doing everything perfectly, but about showing up in a way that feels true to you and your values?

You and your family are unique and that is a beautiful thing. What works for the mom on Instagram that you’re comparing yourself to may not work for you - and is it even what you want or what you think you should want?

Ask yourself, What does success mean to me as a mom? Is it about having a spotless house and perfectly behaved kids, or is it about creating a loving environment where your children feel safe and supported?

Shift your focus from external validation to internal satisfaction. Focus on what’s going well, rather than what’s not working i.e. gratitude. You don’t have to be inauthentic, toxic positively has its own problems, but there’s typically good in every situation. Your success is yours to define.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

One of the hardest things for perfectionists is self-compassion. That inner voice—the one that tells you you’re not doing enough, not being enough—is harsh. But here’s the thing: you would never talk to your child or your best friend the way you talk to yourself.

So why do it?

The next time your critical voice gets loud, stop and ask yourself: Would I say this to someone I love? If the answer is no, it’s time to reframe those thoughts. Give yourself the same grace you give to others. It’s time to start loving yourself.

Motherhood is hard. You’re allowed to struggle. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Being compassionate toward yourself when things don’t go perfectly is key to letting go of that failure mindset.

4. Set Boundaries and Let Go of What Isn’t Important

Here’s something perfectionists often forget: you don’t have to do everything. In fact, trying to do everything is part of what’s making you feel like you’re failing.

Take a step back and look at your life. What matters to you? What can you let go of? Maybe it’s the pressure to host the perfect birthday party or the expectation that dinner has to be homemade every night. Maybe it’s learning to say no to commitments that drain your energy or time.

When you set boundaries, you reclaim your time and energy for the things that matter most. Letting go of what isn’t important frees you to focus on what brings you joy and fulfillment.

5. Ask for Help

This might be the hardest one for you, especially if you’re used to being the independent woman who gets things done. Maybe you’re the go-to person for everyone else, and now you feel like you have something to prove—you should be able to figure this out on your own.

But let me tell you: you don’t have to.

Perfectionism thrives in isolation. The more you try to handle everything on your own, the more overwhelmed and stuck you feel. To break free from perfectionism, you need support. You need someone who can see outside of your situation and help you look at things differently.

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. Whether it’s reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or professional, having someone in your corner makes all the difference.

Final Thoughts: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Perfectionism is a tough thing to shake, especially when you’ve spent so long using it as a way to cope. But you don’t have to keep spinning your wheels. You don’t have to keep feeling like you’re failing.

The tips I’ve shared here—recognizing the illusion of perfection, redefining success, practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and asking for help—are all steps toward breaking free from the perfectionist mindset and reclaiming your joy as a mom.

You deserve to feel confident in your role as a mother. You deserve to feel calm, present, and fulfilled. And if you need someone to help you get there, I’m here. I have immediate openings, and I’d love to invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me. Together, we can work through the perfectionism that’s been holding you back and help you feel empowered in motherhood.

If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to access my exclusive “Letting Go of Perfection” podcast here. In this podcast series, I walk you through the 3 steps I use with clients to help you feel more calm, confident, and connected.